tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-65184181172566214012024-03-12T19:44:42.630-04:00Each Word CountsEvery word – every letter – lasts a lifetime.
Never put something in writing if you don't want it kept.
Words are forever.
It's the only thing that is.EachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.comBlogger103125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6518418117256621401.post-13702212460392548922019-05-13T12:53:00.000-04:002019-06-02T20:34:03.084-04:00...And So I Fight (Short Story – Nonfiction)<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I fight. Every day. Through clenched teeth and roaring stomachs. Through sharp pains and dull, yet powerful aches. Through the visible and the invisible pains that surround me. I fight. Because what else is there to do?</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I stare at the food on the plate in front of me and wonder if I should eat it. It’s almost a subconscious question that I’m barely even aware of at this point, but it’s still there nevertheless. I question if it’s worth it. I question if it will help me more than it will hurt me. I question what I have to do later that afternoon, and if I eat what is in front of me – will I still be able to do what needs to be done?</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> On a daily basis I question my body’s ability to make the right decisions. To eat something and keep it down. To eat something without being in so much pain that I can’t leave my couch. To eat something and have it fill me with nutrition rather than a pain that I’ve come to compare to being kicked and punched in the stomach repeatedly for hours. </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I sit behind my desk at work, or on a desk in front of a class because, well, it’s more comfortable than standing. But not just for my feet. It allows me to relax – as much as I’m capable of relaxing. It allows me to hunch over and apply pressure to the gurgling monster inside of me, while still teaching whatever lesson I managed to muster up that day.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;"></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> I spend hours at work with a smile plastered on my face. I stay late after school making small talk with other teachers in the hallway, telling them that I’m fine when they ask how I’m doing. I get as much of my work done as possible, because as soon as I get home, the mask falls – and I can no longer contain the pain.</span></span><br />
<div style="text-indent: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 36pt; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white;"> Every day is a new battle. And each day I manage to fight through it – but not without questioning, every once in awhile, whether or not I’ll actually make it through this time.</span></span></div>
</div>
<span style="color: white;"><b id="docs-internal-guid-4a066316-7fff-f764-dbf3-d3f91d9a8204" style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
</span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When I was twelve years old I stopped asking these questions. I gave up. I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that something that was supposed to help me was causing me so much pain, so I stopped. I stopped eating. I drank water, but that was about it. For eight months.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My parents questioned if I was anorexic or bulimic – unable to understand my pain, because it was a pain they could not see. They brought me to doctors and to therapists – but they only threw labels at things they couldn’t understand. They wanted to blame trauma and bad relationships. They wanted to blame me and my past for something I had no control over.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’d run to the bathroom for hours after “eating” a meal, because I knew even one bite was going to end up causing me enough pain to result in a fetal position for the rest of the night. My parents refused to let me leave the table until I had finished eating, often hours after everyone else had already left the room. I sat alone. In the dark. Debating whether to eat in order to make my parents happy, or to avoid the food that would cause me to be in pain for the foreseeable future. I tried to find a middle ground. I stuffed the food into my mouth, left the room, and spit it out in a trashcan in my bedroom hoping they wouldn’t find out. But they did. That was when they tried shoving food down my throat. It didn’t go over well.</span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><b style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
</span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Most of the eight months occurred during the summer that followed the sixth grade. I was too exhausted to move, to wake up, to be a person. Most people tell me it’s not possible to go eight months without eating – because if I did, I’d be dead. And I promise you ... I wasn’t far from it.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I spent most of my time sleeping, constantly being woken up to join my family in another room, where I would drag myself and then promptly fall back asleep since I had absolutely no energy to even keep my eyes open. I was dragged to doctors where I had to force multiple bottles of liquid chalk down my throat. Sure – I can’t stomach eating anything, but </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">chalk</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> sounds appetizing, so why not?</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">One doctor listened. One doctor paid attention to every pain and ache – every wince that I tried to hide and every scream that I internalized. She gave me answers. She gave me a diagnosis. She told me there was no cure, but it was treatable. She sent me off with medications and monthly blood tests. She kept my body alive, but I no longer had hope. I was no longer healthy. I was no longer the carefree twelve-year-old that only had to worry about which friends she’d be inviting to her birthday from her new school. She changed everything. And I hated her and her cold personality for all of it.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have Crohn’s Disease. An inflammatory bowel disease. An autoimmune disease. My immune system overworks by trying to kill itself. It views everything as a foreign object that needs to be destroyed. Food included. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Me</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> included. This disease causes my intestines to be inflamed, irritated by any food that passes through – to be ulcerated, allowing holes to form in the lining of my intestines – to have strictures, restricting any food from passing through and forcing it all to go back up the way it entered. I have a disease that fights to control my life on a daily basis – but I fight back.</span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><b style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
</span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">When I was twelve years old, I was told that I have an incurable disease that will make my life hell, and while no one knows what causes it, it is triggered by stress. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Great</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. I live a high-stress lifestyle. I took seven classes in one semester in high school when I was only allowed five. My resumé for entering college included five pages worth of extracurricular activities. I worked six jobs every summer growing up, because I’d get bored with just one. I took 23 credits per semester in college when the dean tried to cap me off at nineteen. I teach three classes, run three clubs, teach the SAT prep course after school, and manage to have a second job outside of school despite never leaving the building before 4:00pm. I like to be busy. For me, free time results in being bored, so I stay busy. And yes, it’s stressful. And while this works best for my mentality, it doesn’t mean that it’s been the best for the rest of my health.</span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><b style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
</span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I used to think that I knew best. I thought that if I felt okay, then that meant I didn’t need the medications that doctors were telling me to keep taking. I didn’t want to keep taking them. I was twelve and the thought of taking dozens of pills every day just wasn’t something that I wanted to live with for the rest of my life. So I stopped taking them. I waited until my parents left the room, I tiptoed over to the trashcan, dumped the pills quietly into the trash, and quickly placed a napkin on top of them so that they wouldn’t be easy to discover. I didn’t want my parents to discover the truth. Deep down, I knew what I was doing was wrong. But that didn’t stop me. I kept doing it. For weeks. Until my doctor called my parents asking if I had stopped taking my medication. Apparently my blood tests were able to determine what I wasn’t: I was quickly declining and if I didn’t start taking my medication again, I would be right back where I had started – clutching my stomach and asking God – a god I’m not sure I even believe in – </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">why me?</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">So I started taking them again, and have been since. Over a decade worth of medications have built up in my body. But sometimes they decide they’re no longer the right call for me. Sometimes </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">they</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> stop working. Sometimes my health deteriorates so quickly that I lose thirty pounds in a month because my system doesn’t understand how to absorb nutrients from the food I’m eating. Sometimes I’m forced to spend months and years waiting for a new medication to work – stuck waiting, in pain, with no answers or quick fixes.</span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><b style="font-style: normal; font-weight: normal; letter-spacing: normal; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></b>
</span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Every year there are new challenges. New foods to avoid, new medications to try, new coping strategies to employ. And it will never end. I have a disease that tries its damndest to control my life. It tries to get my to quit the things I love. To stop participating in the activities that make me happiest. To stop socializing with the people I have left who truly try to understand what I’m going through. To stop being </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">me</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">. </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">But I decided a long time ago not to let it win. Not to let it control me. Not to let it get in the way of who I want to become. Instead I use it. I use it to help me understand others. I use it as a way to empathize with those that have more going on than what shows on the surface. To understand that not all emotions or illnesses or experiences are visible. That the person walking down the street in a rush might appear angry or distraught at first glance, but the reasons behind the first glance are endless. </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">To this day people try to discredit my illness. They tell me I’m lucky to have a condition that makes it so easy to lose weight. They tell me that if I just ate a healthy diet, I’d be fine – despite the fact that healthy food is what causes the most pain for me. They tell me that they know exactly what I’m going through because they spent the last twenty-four hours with a stomach bug. But they don’t know. They can’t know. They can’t even relate – because this condition is unrelatable.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I have a disease that manifests itself differently in every person who has it. Some people can tolerate certain foods that send others to the hospital. Certain people respond well to medications that cause allergic reactions in others. Some people benefit from exercise when others struggle to get out of bed due to the pain. I don’t understand anyone else’s pain better because of my condition. I can’t read minds or prescribe medications or tell people what will work best for them. I can tell them what I’ve been through. I can share my story. I can help open the eyes of others to the fact that maybe that rushed and angry person on the sidewalk might need the benefit of the doubt, because maybe – just maybe – they’re dealing with something that we cannot even fathom understanding.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: "times new roman"; font-size: 12pt; font-style: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This is why I won’t wish away my condition. This is why I’m grateful for the things I’ve learned from it and the person I’ve become because of it. This is why I write about it on a regular basis. This is why I became a teacher – because trying to relate, understand, and show others that they are not alone in their experiences is the entire reason I keep fighting.</span></span></div>
<br class="Apple-interchange-newline" />EachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6518418117256621401.post-18793189490348820232019-05-13T12:37:00.004-04:002019-05-13T12:37:53.133-04:00Obstacles (5/13/19)The hopelessness that sets in<br />
is almost impossible to bear<br />
sitting by<br />
waiting it out<br />
hoping it will all turn out ok<br />
but life doesn't work that way<br />
we are dealt a hand<br />
of cards<br />
with unfortunate obstacles<br />
and exciting surprises<br />
but not everyone's hand is<br />
balanced<br />
most – in fact – are not<br />
and as I watch others flip their<br />
card of surprise<br />
I'm left behind<br />
staring at my newest obstacle<br />
holding back tears<br />
wanting to scream<br />
misery clawing at my throat<br />
attempting to bring others down<br />
with me<br />
but I won't<br />
I refuse<br />
because it's my card<br />
not theirs<br />
and they don't deserve the pain<br />
...<br />
just call it another one<br />
of my obstacles.EachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6518418117256621401.post-76451031838265477682019-05-13T12:35:00.003-04:002019-05-13T12:35:28.537-04:00You Make Me (4/26/19)I am made to be the villain<br />
all powerful and corrupt<br />
filled with anger and hostility<br />
with no understanding<br />
or sympathy<br />
<br />
But that is not me<br />
It is not who I am<br />
It is not who I want to be<br />
This person you make me<br />
<br />
So I sit and cry<br />
and try to understand<br />
where I went wrong<br />
or what I can do to<br />
fix it all<br />
<br />
But I'm at a loss<br />
and no thoughts<br />
will come<br />
and there are no answers<br />
to this world you've created<br />
<br />
I'm in a box<br />
made to be<br />
someone<br />
I am not<br />
yet it's all that<br />
you see<br />
when you look at<br />
me<br />
<br />
I am made to be the victim<br />
helpless and alone<br />
stuck with no guidance<br />
no answers in sight<br />
<br />
I am made to be the victim<br />
filled with anger and hostility<br />
with no understanding<br />
or sympathy<br />
for me.EachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6518418117256621401.post-2038673428365717352019-05-13T12:33:00.000-04:002019-05-13T12:33:08.400-04:00No Longer Me (3/30/19)I look down<br />
and want to<br />
scream<br />
<br />
the lights blur<br />
glaring back<br />
at me<br />
<br />
the truth burns<br />
deep eating away<br />
at what I wish<br />
didn't exist<br />
<br />
the lies seem<br />
better<br />
more real<br />
but less<br />
attainable<br />
<br />
the reality<br />
weighs down<br />
pressuring me<br />
into someone<br />
I don't want<br />
to beEachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6518418117256621401.post-43337754228800896032019-05-13T12:29:00.002-04:002019-05-13T12:29:52.908-04:00Hear Me Out (3/6/19)I find myself fighting<br />
from within<br />
struggling to get out<br />
yelling to be heard<br />
<br />
I find myself clawing<br />
scratching at the<br />
pain<br />
punching my way out<br />
<br />
I find myself suppressed<br />
pushed down<br />
hushed<br />
told to be quiet<br />
<br />
I find myself caught<br />
needing to be known<br />
seeking to be seen<br />
hoping to be helped<br />
<br />
a cry catches in my<br />
throat –<br />
well ... your throat<br />
because I am you<br />
I am within you<br />
no matter how much<br />
you deny itEachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6518418117256621401.post-530950529816589752019-05-13T12:27:00.002-04:002019-05-13T12:27:54.103-04:00Invisible or Not, Here I Am (2/14/19)it can't be seen<br />
or viewed by others<br />
it only exists by word of<br />
mouth<br />
– yours<br />
so it's your word<br />
against their eyes.<br />
The eyes that cannot see<br />
what you describe<br />
How can you expect them<br />
to believe<br />
in what cannot be seen?<br />
You can't.<br />
You can only hope.<br />
But hope can only go so far.<br />
<br />
You'd think your word<br />
would be enough<br />
when coupled with your<br />
pain<br />
experience<br />
and situation<br />
but none of that matters<br />
when none of it can be<br />
seen<br />
<br />
but I promise you –<br />
just because it's invisible<br />
doesn't mean it's not there<br />
I mean<br />
just look at me.EachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6518418117256621401.post-35153666953755359162016-08-28T21:22:00.002-04:002016-08-28T21:23:31.171-04:00Speechless<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">sometimes words fall short</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">as feelings grow tall</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">and you’re left feeling</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">unable to speak</span></span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-2c5b147b-d3e2-3594-b006-f1d20851b551" style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">sometimes the thoughts</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">that rumble and ramble within</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">are incapable of</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">joining the english language</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">sometimes when I look at you</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">from the corner of my eye</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">there’s a thud in my chest</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">and it echoes through my toes</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">sometimes there are no words</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">to define the indefinable</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">express the inexpressible</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">describe the indescribable</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">sometimes three short words</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">eight tiny letters</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">are enough</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant-alternates: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; font-variant-position: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">when coupled by you</span></span></div>
<br />EachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6518418117256621401.post-55576784751047109382016-06-10T15:10:00.000-04:002016-07-31T12:15:46.415-04:00Fading Quicklyseasons stand still<br />
trees bare and confused<br />
air crisp, yet damp<br />
waiting on you.<br />
<br />
good winter<br />
bad winter<br />
nonexistent summer...<br />
time rushes by.<br />
<br />
waiting for tomorrow<br />
or next year<br />
or trying to forget<br />
won't affect the now.<br />
<br />
step outside.<br />
close your eyes.<br />
breathe deep.<br />
and imagine it all gone.EachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6518418117256621401.post-38731168241642133592016-03-07T00:01:00.001-05:002016-03-07T00:02:17.000-05:00Simplicity<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">From the first smile</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">the muscles have tightened</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">and the expressions have deepened</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">but effort has lessened</span></span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-4a5ce49d-4f72-1a69-40b5-d0fe21ea2398" style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">From the first message</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">the signs were clear</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">the emotions were bold</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">and the feelings were there</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">From the first sound</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">of your voice</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">and sight</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">of your face</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">the words vanished</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">the music played</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">the laughter resonated</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">and the smiles grew</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">From the first smile</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">pearls were gleaming</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.38; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">hearts were beating</span></span></div>
<span style="vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">and comfort echoed through</span></span>EachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6518418117256621401.post-14279050712221911332015-12-16T21:53:00.000-05:002015-12-16T21:53:04.261-05:00Timeas the winds whistle through the screens<br />
and the voices bounce from wall to wall<br />
my mind drifts far between<br />
wandering and roaming and waiting its time<br />
for peace and love to enter its life<br />
but time passes by<br />
and leaves us behind<br />
telling us to hold on hope<br />
since love will find us one day soon<br />
it's sure of this it tells us too<br />
that we deserve nothing less<br />
yet lies surround and swirl about<br />
containing hope and all desires<br />
holding them captive and deep within<br />
far above on falling stars<br />
keeping us from holding on<br />
to the ones we once knew we had<br />
that we had let go of in hope of more<br />
through time we waited and desired<br />
until now as we are left<br />
with noneEachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6518418117256621401.post-91151182406245064742015-12-16T21:48:00.000-05:002015-12-16T21:48:41.716-05:00JED243 (Short Story – Fiction)<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Pelting the thin glass, the rain causes me to look up every few seconds. I sink into the corner of my thirty-year-old, worn-out, red tattered couch and pull the shoebox closer to me. Old photographs crinkle under my touch as I flip through the contents, and folded articles threaten to rip with each brush of my fingertip.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The box was filled years ago and buried deep within my closet. My husband, Charlie, knew I dwelled on the memories inside whenever I opened it, so putting it away seemed to be the only logical solution. I only came across it when little Gracie decided it would be fun to pull out all of mommy’s clothes, try them on, and leave them in a big heap in the middle of the hallway for Ralphie to turn into his own personal slobber-cave. The box was mixed in at the bottom amongst various other shoeboxes, but got turned upside down when Gracie found no heels inside to clonk around in.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Half of the contents of the box were stuck together from various residues and inks of the photographs over the years. Tucked away at the bottom of the box was a piece of yellowing paper folded three-fold and then folded in half again. </span></span></div>
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<b id="docs-internal-guid-cbf79001-add5-cf7c-4992-6b1b057bd7a1" style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Indie Flower'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white;">Dear brother,</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Indie Flower'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Indie Flower'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">It’s been four years. Four years since you left me, and mom, and dad. Four years since I saw you smile with your crooked teeth that I constantly made fun of and teased you about. Four years since I yelled at you and told you that you were the worst brother a girl could have and that I wanted you out of my life forever. Four years since I sat in that hospital crying in the corner by the vending machine so that no nurses could take pity on me, put their hand on my shoulder, and say “there there, it’s going to be okay.” Because it wasn’t. It isn’t. You’re gone. You left me. You haven’t come back and I don’t know what to do anymore. You would have been 19 today, Jordan. You would have been </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Annie Use Your Telescope'; font-size: 20px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">19</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Annie Use Your Telescope'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Indie Flower'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Why couldn’t you have just worn your seatbelt?</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Indie Flower'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white;">I miss you, Jordan. I’m sorry about what I said that day. I’m sorry I told you to get out of my life and to never talk to me again. I’m sorry I secretly wished you were gone and wouldn’t come back. I’m sorry I ever said it to your face. I wish you were still here, Jordan. I wish you were here to argue with and fight with and tell me how wrong I was. I wish you were here. I miss you.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Indie Flower'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Indie Flower'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">And I know I never told you this… but I love you.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Indie Flower'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Indie Flower'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Indie Flower'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Indie Flower'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Cara ♡</span></span></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I let out a deep breath. I hadn’t realized I had been holding it since I had read “seatbelt.” I forgot I saved this letter. I forgot it was in this box. All of my memories. Everything that had happened. Everything I had repressed for so many years was suddenly flooding into my mind at once.</span></span></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white;">~*~</span></span></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white;">A delicate voice crackled through the intercom once again, urging certain doctors to go this way or that, to do this procedure or that, or simply to tell them their wife was on line three. Blues, yellows, reds, and greens lined the floor beneath her feet, leading the way for each stranger to find their hurt or dead loved ones as they tripped and staggered around. Cara’s feet dangled a good inch above the ground as she sat all the way back in her waiting room chair. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white;">Her eyes watered and her nose tingled as smoke drifted past her. The pleading from nurses echoed through Cara’s ears as they begged her mom to step outside if she was going to smoke. Her mom walked away and found another wall to lean against until a different nurse was forced to approach her. Cara had grown used to it over the years, but whatever was inside that rolled paper that day made her eyes sting with desperation for clean air. It was clear that the nurses didn’t have the heart to call security on her mother. They knew her mother would put up a fight if someone came to take her away. Cara just kept imagining what would happen when their boss showed up to find someone smoking in the waiting room. Other families had already cleared out. Nurses had shown them the way to other waiting rooms where there probably weren’t stubborn, inconsiderate people smoking in their presence. Making a scrunched-up face, Cara tried to get her mom to stop. She thought maybe her mother would stop smoking if it was bothering her own daughter. She was wrong. What did her opinion matter anyway? As Cara’s brother always liked to point out, she was only eleven.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Her fingers wrapped around the two dollars that were crumpled and scrunched deep within the tiny pockets of her jean shorts. Her dad had given the bills to her before he drove off earlier that morning. He didn’t like hospitals; his own brother had died in one. Cara couldn’t really blame him, but she was pretty sure the fact that he left was part of the reason her mom couldn’t stop smoking. The bills had dried out since he gave them to her that morning; they had rested in his clammy palms the entire drive over and were fairly damp then. Unfolding them with a nice crinkling sound, she jumped down off of the seat. Her mom was too busy pulling a new cigarette out of her pack to notice her leave, so Cara didn’t bother to tell her. As her feet shuffled across the length of the floor, she saw the nurse who had just begun her shift. She glanced up with a sour face thanks to the stenchy cloud Cara’s mom was creating. Cara slid her beat-up sneakers across the multi-colored floor until she reached the vending machine.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She pressed B-112 on the machine and watched a bag of Cheetos fall to the bottom, most likely breaking a few of the crunchy morsels in the process. The scent of stale cheese-puffs filled her nose, mixing with the smell of smoke that lingered in her nostrils. Sticking her hand in the bag, she strode back to her seat filled with a calming sensation. Her mouth watered, anticipating the cheesiness that usually grabbed the attention of all of her tastebuds just from the scent. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white;">The Cheetos would help her forget. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white;">Forget the fight with Jordan that morning and forget the spanking from their dad that of course ensued afterwards. But she couldn’t forget the crash that happened that day as they began their summer vacation. </span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white;">*</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Let go of me,” she said in her extended eleven-year-old squeal as she tried to shake off her brother. He was trying to keep her from running away from him. The moment that he gave up on an argument was the same moment Cara would decide to go tell whichever parent was sitting inside that he had started it. He didn’t want that. He was tired of being spanked by their dad. Fifteen is too old to be spanked and it was getting embarrassing for both of them.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“We should go inside and help mom with dinner,” he said, attempting to distract her. Cara paused for a moment to consider this. She questioned what was for dinner, since that usually played a role in whether or not she wanted to help out. Jordan told her that he wasn’t sure but that it was probably along the lines of some kind of stew since he had seen their mother unloading the groceries earlier that morning; he was still trying to prevent her from running into the house with the wrong intentions of getting them in trouble.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“No. Let go of me. I’m not going anywhere with you.” Cara managed to wiggle her way out of Jordan’s loose grasp and took a few steps back. They were face to face, but Jordan was clearly the taller one, with a good foot or more on her four-foot-five-inch stature. She tried to look intimidating, but she knew it wouldn’t work – not since his growth spurt. “You’re the worst. I wish you weren’t my brother! I wish you weren’t in my life at all. I hate you!” Cara’s voice bubbled out of her mouth as fast as it could. She didn’t like yelling at people and doing so always brought tears to her eyes, but she couldn’t let her brother see she was crying. He always made fun of her when she cried. She ran past him, brushing against the soft, red t-shirt that hung low on his arm since the width of his shoulders was nowhere near that of their dad’s. He had grown out of a lot of his clothes lately and had taken to wearing some of their dad’s old shirts. She nearly tripped up the marble steps to the front door, but kept rushing forward until she heard the screen door swing and click shut behind her.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white;">*</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Stuffed into the left side of the backseat, Cara was surrounded by bags of various colors and fabrics – everyone’s luggage packed tightly between her and Jordan. It was her turn to pick the music, so she started pressing buttons on her mom’s iPod Touch, which her mother got as a gift from her sister a year ago, but still didn’t know how to use properly. Music flooded into the car through the speakers. It wasn’t anything Cara recognized, but she enjoyed being in control of the music – it meant for once, Jordan wasn’t.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She glanced up to watch as her family pulled out of the driveway and then went back to pressing buttons.</span></span></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“--MY GOD!!” Cara opened her eyes in the midst of her mother’s screaming and readjusted her neck, gripping it suddenly as a sharp pain spread beneath her skin. All she could see was a blur of vibrant reds and oranges in front of them as the smell of smoke wafted under her nose long enough to make her cough. Her eyes adjusted. People nearby were tapping on windows, trying to mouth to us that we needed to get out of the car. Cara looked over at her mom who was staring at her husband who was staring into the backseat, unable to take his eyes off of Jordan’s seat.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Applying pressure to her neck, Cara glanced next to her, where Jordan was no longer sitting comfortably beside her. Crushed from the accident, Jordan’s door was pushed inward, taking up half of his seat, the window was smashed, and he was only partly inside the car at this point. Her mother couldn’t move but mumbled to Cara not to look at him. “Look away, honey. Look away.”</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white;">Sirens blared as they rushed through the streets. Blues and reds spun somewhere nearby, blinding her for a few moments. Constant blinking cleared her vision as she glanced back toward Jordan. Everything was silent. Her mom’s voice couldn’t break through it and neither could the shouts from the people outside of the car that were trying to get them out. Something shiny glinted in the reflection of her tearing eyes. It was Jordan’s keychain: “243JED” engraved in titanium. It must have fallen out of his pocket at some point during the crash. If only he had been wearing his seatbelt.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white;">Their mom and dad had spent a lot of time designing that keychain. They wanted something sentimental and meaningful for his birthday, but couldn’t afford anything overly extravagant. “243” was the number of letters in each word of “We Love You,” and “JED” were his initials: Jordan Eric Donovan. He had thought it was cheesy when they first gave it to him, and while he would have never admitted it, he loved that keychain. Cara wrapped her fingers around it and never let go.</span></span></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white;">~*~</span></span></div>
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<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: white;"><br /></span></b></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Smoke fills my nose again as if I am back at that scene with voices once again surrounding me, making it impossible to stop the tears from running down my cheeks. It had been years since I had thought about the events of that day. Jordan’s face flashes into my mind every day, but I’ve always tried to block out the car accident. My mind had blocked out Jordan’s voice – until now, anyway. Now it was as if he was standing right in front of me, pleading me not to get us in trouble yet again. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I lean forward to pull a tissue out of the box on the coffee table and dab at the tears that are trickling down my face. I hear a yelp, readjust the frames on my face, and glance up to see Gracie dragging Ralphie through the living room like he was her own personal toy.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Gracie, honey. You have to be careful with Ralphie. Hold him like you hold your baby dolls.” I am surprised by the composure and strength that resonates in my voice. Gracie readjusts her hold on the new puppy and turns around to face me with a big grin on her face. The smile quickly fades as she saw the box that was on the table in front of me.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">She takes a step backwards with Ralphie still clutched tightly against her chest, his paws hanging limp and loose in the air. “Uh oh,” she says.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I look down at the box to match her gaze. “No, honey, it’s okay. Come here for a second. Why don’t you let Ralphie go?” </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Gracie nearly lies down on the floor in order to place him gently on the carpeting – something we had been working on all week with her. Then, shuffling her feet over to the couch she sits down next to me. I pick up the box and put it on the couch between us. She looks up at me and then slides her eyes down to the dusty box. Realizing she was too afraid to look through it, I stick my hand in and pull out a drawing of Tigger from </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Winnie the Pooh</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, handing it to her. She clutches it in both of her hands, as though it was the most important thing she has ever held.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Jordan drew that for me when I was a little older than you. I was probably about six at the time,” I say, clearing my throat. I put my hand on my daughter’s back and rub it gently.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Uncle Jordy?”</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Yes, Uncle Jordy.”</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Why this, though, mommy?” Gracie looked up at me.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Well, because Tigger was mommy’s favorite when she was your age.” I gave her a weak smile. “Your grandma and grandpa helped him with it. It was my birthday present that year.”</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Oh.” Gracie went back to staring at Tigger. “Can I keep it?”</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My voice catches. It has been over ten years since I have seen this drawing, but at the same time, Gracie knew very little about her uncle and was probably curious. Charlie had always thought Jordan was a sore subject to bring up, so he made sure Gracie never mentioned him around me. He had good intentions, but it hurt just as much anyway. There was only so much Charlie knew about the situation. We had met nearly twenty years after the accident and by then, I had locked most of it deep inside me – far away from casual conversation.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Sure, honey. But let’s put it up on your wall so it doesn’t get hurt, okay?”</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Okay.” Gracie smiled and jumped off of the couch, racing into the kitchen to show her dad the new picture she had acquired. I picked the box up and placed it back on my lap, flipping through it as delicately as possible. I could hear Charlie in the kitchen telling Gracie how cool the drawing was and to go in her room to decide which wall to hang it on. She probably told him what I said about keeping it safe.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Something was hidden in the corner of the box. Picking it up, I run my fingers over the engraving just as I had all those years before and wrap my fingers around it, gripping it tightly.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“You okay?” Charlie sits next to me now, placing his hand on my arm sympathetically, like those nurses tried to do all those years ago, but this time she welcomes it.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: 'Times New Roman'; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Yeah,” I say, as Ralphie yelps and leaps into my lap, knocking the box out of my hands. Charlie catches it before it topples to the floor. “Thank you,” I say, burying my hands deep into Ralphie’s soft coat. “I just miss him.” Charlie squeezes my arm, kisses my cheek, and gets up. Picking up the letter, he goes to return the box to the closet. I curl back onto the couch, watch the rain pour down against the windows, and bury my face in Ralphie’s fur, rubbing the titanium between my fingers.</span></span></div>
EachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6518418117256621401.post-64904705972349871532015-11-05T01:05:00.001-05:002015-11-05T09:10:43.298-05:00Knifed by a Nightmare (Short Story – Nonfiction)<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 1.2; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span><span style="line-height: 1.2; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Tears. Dripping, falling, running. Lightish blue, yet also translucently clear. Streaming, soaking, dissolving. All that’s left. Three hours ago. That’s when I got the call. Three hours ago. That’s when I knew nothing could ever be the same. I gave her hand a squeeze, ran my hand over her hair, and pulled her close. There was nothing I could do to make her feel better. So I sat there, and thought about how none of this could truly be real.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>The slightly smudged screen on my phone lit up just as I was sitting down to work. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">New Text Message</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, it read. Sliding my finger across it and punching in whatever random 4-digit code I was using at the time, I opened her message. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>Call grandma.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, it read. A few more texts were exchanged before I gave a coworker a call and asked her to come sit at the desk for me for ten minutes. Then I went out back, scrolled through my contact list, and clicked </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">call</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> for “Grandma – Florida.” Six rings in, I was about to hang up, when I heard a click. A raspy voice on the other end of the line attempted to clear its throat. Then I heard a distant </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Hello?</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> coming from what sounded like the opposite end of the room from the receiver.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>“Hello? Grandma? Are you there?”</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>“Hello sweetheart,” she whispered. Her voice wasn’t as strong and filled with life as it typically had been. She usually could tell who I was just from the sound of my voice, but this time I questioned that. We talked for six minutes before I heard someone on her end in the background ask her who was on the phone – to which she responded “your daughter.” My Aunt Bea picked up the phone quite confused, as she had just been on her cell with her actual daughter. We spoke. She handed the phone back to my grandmother and told her who I was. I promised her I’d come visit her soon. And then it was time for her nap. We hung up.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>I sent my coworker home and thanked her for her help. I held it together until she left. Translucent drops rolled down my face, magnifying my freckles as they made a run for my chin. I wiped them away, only actually smearing them around my pale skin. She wasn’t herself. She didn’t sound like herself. The woman who had been the embodiment of life my entire existence sounded like she didn’t even know what life was anymore. Tears.</span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
</span><br />
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>The eggs were runny and the french toast was a solid brick, but I was at a table with four friends who were making me laugh and distracting me enough to get my mind off of everything from the night before. I was going to call her again after breakfast.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> I</span> reached into my pocket to check my phone and found three missed calls from my father, two from my brother, and a voicemail. I raised it to my ear and listened to a very hollowed and empty voice tell me to call him back as soon as I could. Instead, I clicked on my brother’s name. He told me she was gone.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>I hung up and called my dad back.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>“Hi honey. You get my voicemail?” My dad’s voice always sounded harsh – strong, maybe. Compassion wasn’t his best quality, but he definitely tried.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>“I spoke to Mike,” the statement barely made it out as a whisper.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>“I’m so sorry. I wanted to be the one to tell you.” Silence.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>“How is she?”</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>“Not good. She hasn’t spoken since she found out. She’s pretty numb.”</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>“I’m coming home.” I put my hand down against the windowsill at the dining hall. I needed something to hold me up. I needed some way to hold everything in and just finish this phone call.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>“Don’t. It’s not a good idea. I don’t want you driving and upset. I’ll come pick you up tomorrow if you want, but stay there today, okay?”</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>“Okay. Give her a hug for me?”</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>“Okay sweetie. Talk to you later. Love you.”</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>Tears. Deep breath. More tears.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>I took another deep breath and walked back to the table where my friends were. One of them knew about the call from last night. One of them knew how hurt I was. One of them could tell something was wrong. I stayed fairly composed until I saw his face. Until I saw that he cared. And that I could open up – that I could break down in front of him. And so I did.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>I took a deep breath. “My grandma died this morning.” I got patted on the back and there were a few loose hands grasping at my arm telling me they were sorry. I’m sorry too, emotionless hand. I’m sorry too.</span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
</span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>I got into my car and cried. Tears. Gasping breaths and tears. I drove two hours home, blasting music to try and keep my mind off of it. But then I thought about her smile. And her strong love of perfumes. I remembered her incessant need to tell everyone everything and her love and compassion for family. All friends were family to her. Everyone was family.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>I walked in the door and saw my dad in the kitchen. </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>“I thought…” he started.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>“Where is she?” I interrupted.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>He pointed behind him towards the living room. I dropped my bags on a chair that was in desperate need of cleaning and rushed into the adjacent room. My mom could barely look up at me. She couldn’t feel anything.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>“What are you doing here?” she managed to mumble as I slid in next to her on the couch.</span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><br /></span>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="line-height: 19.2px;"> </span>“I’m here for you. Always here for you, mom. I’m so sorry. I’m so </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">so</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> sorry.” I brushed her hair out of her face and held her next to me. We rocked back and forth like that for awhile. I slid a few light jokes her way to make her laugh. But mostly we cried. Tears. Streaming, rushing, running, soaking the clothes we couldn’t bother to change. She was gone. And we were numb.</span></span></div>
</div>
EachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6518418117256621401.post-71389058984828687522015-10-24T17:03:00.000-04:002015-10-24T17:03:11.851-04:00Trapped<span style="font-family: inherit;">surrounded by Darkness</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">walls moving in</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">closer</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">and closer</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">inch by inch</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">each inhalation</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">drawing them in</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">pulling them closer</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">On top of you</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">until stopping</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">is all you can</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">do</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">to survive</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">No breaths</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">closed eyes</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">darkness Envelopes you</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">and finally</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">there is nothing left</span>EachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6518418117256621401.post-1536806601058396232015-07-09T11:36:00.000-04:002015-07-09T11:36:05.442-04:00The FightSometimes I feel myself slipping<br />
Drifting<br />
Falling through the<br />
Cra cks<br />
<br />
It's not worth it<br />
none of it<br />
is worth the pain<br />
the loss<br />
<br />
and inability<br />
of lifting the weight<br />
anymore<br />
But they tell me<br />
<br />
They understand<br />
And to keep fighting<br />
But I don't --<br />
want to<br />
<br />
Not for them.<br />
So I'll show them<br />
That.<br />
By fighting<br />
<br />
for Me.<br />
EachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6518418117256621401.post-68976173636900474782015-06-25T12:29:00.001-04:002015-06-25T12:29:29.209-04:00Passing the Past (Old Found Poem)you were once there<br />
right by my side<br />
the way you said<br />
you always would be<br />
<br />
but you lied<br />
in the blink<br />
of an eye<br />
without even a glance behind<br />
<br />
you're long gone<br />
only around in hauntings<br />
leaving me<br />
questioning<br />
<br />
what's real<br />
who's real<br />
and if anyone really means it<br />
when they say<br />
they'll be thereEachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6518418117256621401.post-48403667873917374232015-05-18T12:44:00.000-04:002015-05-18T12:44:58.714-04:00Unrelatable (Short Story - Nonfiction)<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="line-height: 1.2; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="line-height: 1.2; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">1-10 has never been never my scale. The unnerving pain that either felt like sharp needles digging deep into my stomach, millions of knots filling it, or sharp shooting pains that resembled what I believed it would feel like to be shot in the stomach could never be restricted to a 1-10 pain scale. Clearly 1-100 wouldn’t be realistic either; so I settled on 1-20 for most scenarios.</span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><b id="docs-internal-guid-405b50d0-67e8-86f9-f8b9-4c397f9aeb9d" style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
</span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Crohn’s Disease belongs to a group of conditions known as Inflammatory Bowel Disease (IBD) and is a chronic inflammatory condition of the gastrointestinal tract. IBD incorporates both Crohn’s Disease and Ulcerative Colitis, which are two entirely different conditions – although they are often lumped together. They differ depending on what part of the gastrointestinal tract they affect. For example, Ulcerative Colitis affects the colon (large intestine) and Crohn’s Disease affects the small intestine. Most websites that take the time to define these two diseases specify where in the gastrointestinal tract the inflammation occurs – but this is where the descriptions get tricky. Crohn’s Disease is different for just about every individual. While the most common cases are called Ileocolitis and Ileitis, which both affect the ileum (the last portion of the small intestine), there are at least three other forms of the disease, and each form has a different list of symptoms that might not be entirely accurate for each individual living with it.</span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
</span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">March through October. Roughly eight long months of scrambling parents, running to bathrooms, and applying as much pressure to the upper left part of my stomach as possible. No one knew what was going on, but no one wanted to know more than my parents. Watching me dart from the table and run to the bathroom in fear of getting sick each time I ate any type of food, my parents pondered the thought of anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa. Looking back on it, they’ve told me that they were just trying to be realistic – considering every possibility since they couldn’t figure out what was going on. The doctors weren’t helping much in the beginning either.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">In August I weighed myself for the last time during my diagnosis process. I was at the lowest I can remember ever being: 77 pounds at age twelve. My dad tends to describe this summer in a few different ways, but his favorite always being that he was able to nearly wrap his hand around my upper arm twice. I hadn’t had food pass through my mouth in months. Food hurt me. My body saw it as the enemy and changed my perception of it from something I needed to survive to something I needed to avoid at all costs.</span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
</span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Gastroduodenal Crohn’s Disease. This is basically what I have. It’s a form of the disease that involves the stomach and the duodenum, which is the first ten inches of the small intestine. Typically, people living with this type of Crohn’s Disease suffer from nausea, weight loss, loss of appetite, and if the narrow segments of the bowel are obstructed, they experience vomiting as well. Sounds lovely, doesn’t it?</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This being said, if anyone looks up Crohn’s Disease for themselves, the typical symptoms are: diarrhea, fever and fatigue, abdominal pain and cramping, blood in stool, mouth sores, reduced appetite, and weight loss. My symptoms? No desire to eat, skeletal appearance due to drastic weight loss, surging and writhing abdominal pain and cramping, inability to function in my daily life due to loss of energy, depression, and the mouth sores that I’ve spent a lot of time trying to forget. The mouth sores that are often associated with Crohn’s Disease are basically ulcers inside your mouth, similar to the ones that would be found throughout your gastrointestinal tract. Fun, right?</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">On top of all of that, Crohn’s Disease is an autoimmune disease. It chronically fights itself. It views itself, food, and medications as foreign objects and tries to fight against them, eventually destroying itself. Because my immune system overreacts and works too hard, I now no longer have one. If I move away from you when you cough or sneeze on the bus, in a class, or at a party – don’t take it personally. I can only fight myself; I can’t fight off you.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"> </span></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">My mom’s voice would often wake me up at 3:00 in the afternoon. The soothing hums would waft through the open doorway of my bedroom. This had become a regular occurrence. She’d wake me up in fear of me sleeping the entire day away and then not sleeping later that night, which was never actually a problem for me. Six months of not having anything to eat and my body was rebelling. It had no energy and was punishing me by not allowing me to live. She’d wake me up and invite me out into our living room to join the rest of my family to watch television – or something of the sort.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’d drag myself out of bed, force my body down the hall limb by limb until I arrived at the smaller of the two couches in my living room. Dropping myself onto the worn-out leather cushions, it was a matter of minutes before I was asleep again. That summer, a lot of people told me I’m cute when I sleep.</span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
</span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">There is no known cause of Crohn’s Disease. Recent research has been suggesting that the cause might be due to hereditary, genetic, and/or environmental factors – some research is even suggesting that it is the interaction amongst all of these factors that contribute to the development of the chronic, inflammatory condition. My father has always had stomach problems. He’s borderline for the diagnosis. Basically, he has all the symptoms but receives none of the treatments. Two of my aunts have it as well.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Another interesting feature of Crohn’s Disease that seems to be causing many scientists and doctors to be scratching their heads, is the fact that this disease is more prevalent in a specific Jewish population from Eastern Europe known as Ashkenazi Jews. Something to do with inbreeding or incest within ancestors. I’m not entirely sure, but I am Jewish, so I suppose this affects me one way or another. So despite there being no known cause for the disease, scientists are attempting to focus on genetics and hereditary qualities. In the meantime, they only seem to be able to diagnose people based on symptoms and signs of inflammation.</span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
</span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Nine years ago, when I was twelve years old, my doctors were still trying to figure out what was going on inside me. Once they determined it was some form of inflammation, they started me on Prednisone – a steroid. This medication has saved my life various times, but this first one is the most prominent in my mind. After a couple of months on these pills everyone could see a difference. Granted, I still wasn’t gaining any weight, but I had more energy than I knew what to do with. I’d wake up incredibly early in the morning during my winter vacation from middle school, make my mom coffee (five cups), empty the dishwasher, finish the laundry that we had probably put in the night before, mop the floors, scrub the counters, dust the television, and sit down to start my book reports that had been assigned for the break. I remember that vacation more vividly than the entire summer I was sick. My dad was ripping up the carpet throughout our house and self-installing a wooden floor. It looked great, but because of the work involved in setting wooden floors, all of our living room furniture was in our kitchen. I remember jumping over couches and maneuvering my way around televisions and back again, just because I could. I had the energy for it. I could get up and walk without falling over and I could stay awake without someone constantly propping me up throughout the day.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">After months of being on the steroids, I began to look like a chipmunk. Friends asked if I had had teeth pulled. People stopped saying I looked great. I had not only gained the weight back that I had lost, but I added to it. As much as the Prednisone saved my life, the teenage girl in me will always hate this medication for how it altered my body at a time when I was already self-conscious of my appearance.</span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
</span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The medication list for Inflammatory Bowel Diseases is constantly growing. I suppose this is a good thing, because it means that people are still researching and trying to discover new treatments – but in reality it’s because it’s necessary. When I was first diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease, my doctors looked directly in the eyes of a naïve twelve year old, and told me that no one dies from the disease. Well, I say bullshit to that. If those statistics are accurate, it’s only because no one was diagnosed with it at the time of their death. Had I gone on for another month or two of my life without eating, I would not be here right now. So, bullshit. There is no way that no one has ever died from Crohn’s Disease. Thanks a lot for trying to reassure younger-me, but you just made older-me angry instead.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Prednisone, Imuran, Mercaptopurine, Methotrexate, and Humira. Do these mean anything to you? They work to reduce inflammation and to return my body to a state of remission. At a point in my life, that didn’t mean anything to me. In fact, at one point after I had been on one for awhile, I decided on my own that I was healthy again and I didn’t need these medications anymore. I stopped taking them. I’d quietly throw each pill out every night and place a napkin or a tissue on top of it in the trash to make sure my parents never found out. But they did. Because I stopped being healthy. Months passed and my blood tests results began to decline drastically, and my doctor began following up to see if I was still taking my medicine. I wasn’t. But I tried to keep lying for awhile. I remember sitting on the brown, worn-out couch in between both of my parents the day that I finally told them. I never said anything. I just nodded my head when they asked. Tears rolled down my face, making a </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">plop</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> sound when they landed on the leather next to me.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">X-rays, blood tests, upper GI (gastrointestinal) scans, endoscopies, colonoscopies, dye infusion scans – the examinations went on and on, because each test only reaches a certain part of a person’s body. My inflammation was and is in my duodenum. Endoscopies only reach into your stomach and colonoscopies don’t go much further than the beginning of your colon. Upper GI scans require the patient to drink Barium, a chalky liquid that is used to outline one’s entire digestive tract to make it easily viewable through special x-rays. I’ve had to drink this stuff twice. The first time it took me about three hours to get through one bottle (of the three I had to drink). I cried. It tasted awful, I was in an obnoxious amount of pain, and even my mom couldn’t help me feel better. What was worse is that none of these tests showed anything. Being poked and prodded for months did me no good, besides develop bruising up and down my arms and across my torso. I still had no answers. After months of testing, my doctor finally starting treating me. They diagnosed me without 100% proof of the disease, but based on my symptoms, they knew they had to act soon. And as a twelve-year-old, I couldn’t care less. I just wanted them to make the pain go away.</span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">That summer. When no one knew what was going on with me. When no one knew what to do to help me. It was 95 (DEGREES) outside. I wore a sweatshirt. Baggy clothes were all that I owned. Pant sizes went down a bit, but I never got out of my pajama pants, so it didn’t seem to affect my wardrobe at all. Everything hung off of me as if I purposefully meant to buy them to be too big. It made me look sicker than I actually was. No one knew that was possible.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The majority of my life has been spent receiving suggestions from people who believe they understand and know better about what I’ve gone through and continue to go through.. Hearing comments of, “You look great!” when I’ve lost fifty pounds in a timespan of a month isn’t helpful. Having people suggest that I try to diet or eat differently and then maybe, just </span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">maybe</span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, my stomach won’t have these “problems” anymore, isn’t something I can continue to nod along with for much longer. Being told that my face looked like I had my wisdom teeth pulled out just yesterday, when in fact I had been on seven months of corticosteroids to help stabilize my body and reduce the inflammation, just furthered the self-conscious thoughts that ran through my head on a day to day basis. “You’re so lucky! I wish I could lose weight that easily,” is possibly one of the worst comments I’ve received and it was met with a blank stare.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Going away to school, my parents had many worries when it came to my health. Telling my roommate about my pain scale only seemed to frighten her.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">“Should I contact your mom?”</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">“Only if it’s really bad,” I told her.</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">“So on a 1-10 scale, when should I call her?”</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.2; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">“Not 1-10. More like 1-20. And when it’s over a 17. I can handle it up to a 17,” I explained. Last semester I hit a 17. But I didn’t tell her. Hiding it is what I’ve, inadvertently, been trained to do.</span></span></div>
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<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span class="Apple-tab-span" style="white-space: pre;"> </span></span><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Crohn’s Disease is not a relatable condition. I could spend hours telling you about the pain that I’ve gone through and the specific moments that I remember, but the truth is – even other people with Crohn’s Disease won’t understand, because the condition truly is unique to each individual. I’m lucky: mine isn’t nearly as severe as many others that I’ve read about and met over the years. But the level of pain that I associate as my normal everyday experience cannot be compared to your two days of food poisoning. My normal might be someone else’s pain level of a 6 or a 7 on their 1-10 scale. But I have no way of knowing their interpretations of pain, either. All I know is that I spent my teenage years hugging trashcans and experimenting with (doctor-approved) medications and crying myself to sleep at night asking God – a God I’m not even 100% sure I believe is up there – “Why me?” because I truly did not understand why living meant having to endure so much pain.</span></span></div>
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<br />EachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6518418117256621401.post-63203983474261236862014-11-30T17:12:00.000-05:002014-11-30T17:12:06.235-05:00Holocaust Found Poem<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">it’s hard to talk about that</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">I was Jewish</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">and that was okay</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">it wasn’t an issue</span></span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-3eca6f97-02c2-1fe6-fadd-9cd6630d08a9" style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">it was a shock</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">if you can understand that</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">we had to leave</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">slowly but surely</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">he said “go”</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">not forced –</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">by choice</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">she said “no,</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">they stay”</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">we were afraid</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">left and right –</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">they found us</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">they tried</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">to get rid of us</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">it wasn’t unusual</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">– I escaped that</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">little incident</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">being Jewish was familiar</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">but Jewish presence</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">was a shock</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">I listened</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">morning, noon, and night</span></span></div>
<b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">rifle down?</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">not by a long shot</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">you’re crazy –</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">just like that.</span></span></div>
EachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6518418117256621401.post-24006434863612479082014-11-30T17:10:00.000-05:002014-11-30T17:16:21.886-05:00Self-Worth<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">the edges are rugged, clearly from use</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">and perhaps some neglect hidden in there too</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">the chapters are worn, damaged, stained</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">from experience, from life, and from just a bit of rain</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">left outside, withered, torn to pieces</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">by onlookers, bystanders, and just little children</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">some yellowing, some age – it all seems the same</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">flipped upside down, turned around</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">into a violent rage </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">it still wouldn’t cause a second glance</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">no one would care</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">or even notice</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">until the sound of ripping</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">tearing</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">torturing</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">reverberated </span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">because then it’s not the same</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">it’s not rugged</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">or used</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">or neglected or stained</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">it’s destroyed</span></span></div>
<br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">and we’re all to blame.</span></span></div>
<div>
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
EachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6518418117256621401.post-81669647459036740352014-11-23T16:22:00.002-05:002014-11-23T16:22:52.611-05:00My Angelyour voice resonated in a song<br />
every time you spoke<br />
the words chimed together<br />
creating an atmosphere<br />
some can only imagine experiencing<br />
<br />
your rosy cheeks and broad grin<br />
brightened the room<br />
even on the darkest days<br />
and we all wish<br />
we could see it right now<br />
<br />
photographs don't capture<br />
your essence<br />
enough to make it okay<br />
but your impact on me<br />
is one more powerful than most<br />
<br />
I can remember your smile<br />
your numerous fragrances that<br />
wafted through the room.<br />
I can remember the anecdotes<br />
and the incessant laughter that filled the room<br />
whenever you were there<br />
<br />
you made everything better<br />
and nothing will ever be the same<br />
but I know you're out there. I know you're<br />
not gone. Because you can't be.<br />
Because wonderful things don't leave.<br />
<br />
you will never be gone<br />
because the Irises bloom every spring<br />
and your pictures will sway in the cross breeze<br />
and you changed my life<br />
and believed in me.<br />
<br />
You're my angel.<br />
like the glass trinkets<br />
throughout your house.<br />
The ones I always wished<br />
to play with.<br />
<br />
You're the angel I'll hold near<br />
forever<br />
because your smile<br />
will forever brighten my heart.EachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6518418117256621401.post-9997830045049429262014-11-22T15:56:00.002-05:002014-11-22T15:56:47.654-05:00No Looking Back<span style="color: white;">sometimes I stand by</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">watching, staring, gazing</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">wondering if you ever notice</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">the pain in my eyes</span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: white;">passing by me</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">you look straight through</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">as if all I am</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">is a web of lies</span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: white;">the screams within</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">go unspoken</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">the words I speak</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">go unnoticed</span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: white;">the falling rain</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">envelopes me</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">drowning me</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">trying to make me forget</span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><br /></span>
<span style="color: white;">taking it all away</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">the pain and the glares</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">the screams and the stares</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">and me</span>EachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6518418117256621401.post-80531380712295594262014-11-05T18:06:00.000-05:002014-11-05T19:53:20.766-05:00Always<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Sometimes I sit beside a piece of glass</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">as the wooden planks cross my face</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">gazing out to those that cannot sense</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">the shards that burrow beneath my flesh.</span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><b id="docs-internal-guid-b378636c-8233-986a-1a2c-121f587e0bd0" style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
</span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Sometimes I wonder who is staring back</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">questioning the things they might not see</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">never knowing if I’m really there</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">or just dissolving off in the distance.</span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
</span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Sometimes I sit there on my own</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">buried beneath the words and leaves</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">wondering when my chance will come</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">to escape the pressure upon my spine</span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><b style="font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br /></span></b>
</span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">Sometimes I wonder who can see</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">the pain that’s living deep within me</span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;">the weight intensifies throughout my core</span></span></div>
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">as I hold my breath and wait to be alone again</span>EachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6518418117256621401.post-17508806699876157802014-11-03T18:00:00.004-05:002014-11-04T18:17:26.739-05:00Gone<span style="color: white;">they're gone</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">every last one of them</span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><br />
all because I said</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">"leave me alone"</span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><br />
but now it's lonely</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">and the birds are chirping</span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><br />
mocking me</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">because at least they have friends</span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><br />
they left me behind</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">without knowing why</span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><br />
as if they thrive on my sadness</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">and wanted me to contemplate those heights</span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><br />
the silence creeps over my skin</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">stabbing into my veins</span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><br />
I wait for everything to stop</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">I wait for the buzzing to go numb</span><br />
<span style="color: white;"><br />
I waited</span><br />
<span style="color: white;">in the loud silence</span>EachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6518418117256621401.post-43424757898764988272014-10-16T20:51:00.003-04:002014-12-05T10:31:45.469-05:00Catch a Glimpse<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">the syllables hum through the drums</span></span></span></span><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">as the tapping becomes steady</span></span></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">pulsing through her flesh as her wrist</span></span></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">gyrates to the beat</span></span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">eyelashes sweep her rosy cheeks</span></span></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">shoulders relax into her spine</span></span></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">and her neck begins to sway </span></span></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">back and forth</span></span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">the intricate mask is cracking</span></span></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">away from the world</span></span></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">where no one can see the rawness</span></span></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">underneath</span></span></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">but me</span></span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">the light goes out</span></span></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">leaving me alone in the room</span></span></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">with an occasional tap of her pen</span></span></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">to let me know</span></span></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">she’s okay</span></span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">across the room the droplet</span></span></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">catches itself in the</span></span></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">poor lighting</span></span></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">glistening down her seemingly</span></span></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">perfect face</span></span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><br /></span></span></span>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">and then the syllables</span></span></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">waft in softly</span></span></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">and suddenly</span></span></span></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.15; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt;">
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">neither of us is</span></span></span></span></div>
<span style="color: white;"><span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: transparent; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline;">alone</span></span></span></span>EachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6518418117256621401.post-2957199239037049362014-09-23T19:19:00.002-04:002014-09-23T20:27:16.913-04:00Nonsense<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit; line-height: 1.15; white-space: pre-wrap;">some things traipse through minds when there is pizza. </span><br />
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I speak when I want others to stare at me like I’m an idiot </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">unable to make common sense come flowing out of my mouth. </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Normalcy makes me think of idiots. Can you understand me if I Speak. Like. This? </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Your being slow doesn’t affect me so go be slow on the slide where people will try to kick you down and scream at you for not knowing how to slide at a normal rate.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">He’s standing over there staring at me and I try to make that sly half smile to let him know I’m interested, but instead my smile apparently looks like a stalker or a pedophile and he grabs his kid and runs away.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Less teeth? More teeth? Should I stick my tongue out next time?</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I greet people by putting my thumb on my nose and wiggling my other fingers at them.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The innocent make life boring. I kick them down the slide, wiggle my fingers at them, and then go eat pizza.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Can you see the sun shining from beyond my face? Cause it’s blinding me and I hate it. I wish I could attack the sun and tell it to put up some blinds for the world.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Those blinds could hide me from the world. Hide my inexcusable actions as I prance through the streets – and no one would be able to see me because the sun would be blind.</span></div>
<span style="color: white; font-family: inherit;"><br /></span>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: white; font-family: inherit; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I’m a puppet, and I really just want some damn pizza.</span></div>
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EachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6518418117256621401.post-32490322821290587842014-09-17T18:25:00.000-04:002014-09-17T18:42:04.709-04:00Chocolate Head Disease<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">have you ever had that craving?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">stirring from deep within</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">the one that waits until you're stranded</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">to first beg for your attention?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I have.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Mine is called chocolate head disease</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">and there is no cure</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">only many more years to satisfy</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">it's a hassle</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">but who am I to complain?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">Then again, it's not what most think</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">gorging myself on chocolate? I wish.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">No.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I spend my days surrounded in it.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">But only my head</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">a bath of sweet suffocation</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">I blow bubbles in my death</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">waiting for life to pop</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">chocolate splatters</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">it's like art</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">chocolate head disease</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">will envelop me</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">and all I will do</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, Times New Roman, serif;">is lick my lips.</span>EachWordCountshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14885151710000707908noreply@blogger.com0