Obstacles (5/13/19)

The hopelessness that sets in
is almost impossible to bear
sitting by
waiting it out
hoping it will all turn out ok
but life doesn't work that way
we are dealt a hand
of cards
with unfortunate obstacles
and exciting surprises
but not everyone's hand is
balanced
most – in fact – are not
and as I watch others flip their
card of surprise
I'm left behind
staring at my newest obstacle
holding back tears
wanting to scream
misery clawing at my throat
attempting to bring others down
with me
but I won't
I refuse
because it's my card
not theirs
and they don't deserve the pain
...
just call it another one
of my obstacles.

You Make Me (4/26/19)

I am made to be the villain
all powerful and corrupt
filled with anger and hostility
with no understanding
or sympathy

But that is not me
It is not who I am
It is not who I want to be
This person you make me

So I sit and cry
and try to understand
where I went wrong
or what I can do to
fix it all

But I'm at a loss
and no thoughts
will come
and there are no answers
to this world you've created

I'm in a box
made to be
someone
I am not
yet it's all that
you see
when you look at
me

I am made to be the victim
helpless and alone
stuck with no guidance
no answers in sight

I am made to be the victim
filled with anger and hostility
with no understanding
or sympathy
for me.

No Longer Me (3/30/19)

I look down
and want to
scream

the lights blur
glaring back
at me

the truth burns
deep eating away
at what I wish
didn't exist

the lies seem
better
more real
but less
attainable

the reality
weighs down
pressuring me
into someone
I don't want
to be

Hear Me Out (3/6/19)

I find myself fighting
from within
struggling to get out
yelling to be heard

I find myself clawing
scratching at the
pain
punching my way out

I find myself suppressed
pushed down
hushed
told to be quiet

I find myself caught
needing to be known
seeking to be seen
hoping to be helped

a cry catches in my
throat –
well ... your throat
because I am you
I am within you
no matter how much
you deny it

Invisible or Not, Here I Am (2/14/19)

it can't be seen
or viewed by others
it only exists by word of
mouth
           – yours
so it's your word
against their eyes.
The eyes that cannot see
what you describe
How can you expect them
to believe
in what cannot be seen?
You can't.
You can only hope.
But hope can only go so far.

You'd think your word
would be enough
when coupled with your
pain
experience
and situation
but none of that matters
when none of it can be
seen

but I promise you –
just because it's invisible
doesn't mean it's not there
I mean
just look at me.

Fading Quickly

seasons stand still
trees bare and confused
air crisp, yet damp
waiting on you.

good winter
bad winter
nonexistent summer...
time rushes by.

waiting for tomorrow
or next year
or trying to forget
won't affect the now.

step outside.
close your eyes.
breathe deep.
and imagine it all gone.

The Fight

Sometimes I feel myself slipping
Drifting
Falling through the
Cra cks

It's not worth it
none of it
is worth the pain
the loss

and inability
of lifting the weight
anymore
But they tell me

They understand
And to keep fighting
But I don't --
want to

Not for them.
So I'll show them
That.
By fighting

for Me.